Like Riding a Bike

I still have it!

My mojo, that savour-afire that you can’t buy at any price.

For all the new converts – I spent 30 years living in the absolute epicentre downtown core. For the last five years I have been suburban.

Sure, it felt good giving directions to tourists within my first five minutes in Manhattan, but the real test comes when you go back to your roots – is the reverence still there?

While I am only 40 minutes removed from my former playground, visits have become less frequent and less desired.

Last week I decided to spend a day and test my status. Did I still have street-cred in the hood?
It seems some things just never leave you as it was just like ringing a bell!

I first went to the premier optician for an adjustment. Upon entering I was greeted by name and when I asked to purchase a new case it was given to me “tin roof” (urban lingo for on-the-house)

Then my dentist felt compelled to discuss his hand-made fountain pen and afterwards deemed it unnecessary to bill me for the x-ray.

The North Face store asked to take a photo of my 20 year old jacket in pristine condition, so old it is sans (without) logo.

Speaking of pristine (can that word be used twice in one blog entry?) at the new Louis Vuitton Maison (french for home) they called the old grey haired man from Paris who was wearing what was clearly a $5,000 suit to examine and praise my 30 year old wallet while we discussed a case for my bass.

At the Art Gallery they offered to renew my annual membership and give me three months for free. In the interest of full disclosure I can not take credit for that gesture as it is undoubtedly residual from the note I sent to the chairman last year complementing staff for opening the gift shop early exclusively for me.

Damn, am I wearing a sign that says “Handle Like Eggs”!

 

Darwin Is Rolling

Ok, enough with the tablet craze already, can someone please explain it to me?

I understand the fun aspect of touch screen but for God’s sake people, were did we come from. Remember that brand new TV or computer years ago when someone went to touch the screen? How you used to jump out like a cobra to stop them from touching that precious screen!

Not to mention typing. All the efforts to construct ergonomic workstations, computer tables and keyboards to make typing less physically straining. Has anyone tried to type a few pages on an ipad lately?

Of course when it comes to reading a paper-based book my favorite part is the thrill of actually holding that thing for several hours while reading in bed – it helps to strengthen my arms and neck as I try to contort my body into a readable position.

I know, I know you can get a stand and keyboard attached to your tablet. As a matter of fact why not invent the keyboard and stand to fold on top of the screen to protect it? Then when you open it the keyboard it will hold the screen so I can eat some spaghetti while reading War and Peace. We could give it more power, more applications and while we’re at it – why not throw in Flash for good measure. I would call such a leap on the evolutionary chain a netbook!

In the interest of being objective, there are two types of people who would benefit from a tablet.

If you are a doctor at bedside showing a patient the x-ray of the catscan showing the effects on their brain from watching American Idol. Or if you are a salesman for industrial toilet paper on the plant floor of the magnet factory trying to estimate toilet paper consumption based on what they have loaded in their vending machines – you have an app for that!

Scientifically, the true end-result from de-evolutionally thinking like this is extinction, so wake up people!

That rumble you feel is not a tremor it is the effect of Charles Darwin rolling over in his grave.

 

Please give me some attention, please? Is anyone listening, hello, hello?

So the Occupy Wall Street protesters and their copycats in other cities are protesting the rich – is that the best they can do? That is like protesting people with red-hair or protesting those who like opera.

What do they expect to happen, mass genocide of anyone who makes over a certain amount? If not, the only other option is Communism, which sure seems to be on the upswing internationally.

How about the real issue, this group just wants attention and this is their feeble attempt.  If a two year-old wants attention what do they do……exactly!.

Why are they so pissed off?  To answer that we need to know who they really are pissed off at.

They are not pissed off at the rich 1% as they say. If that were the case then you think they would boycott them. Steve Jobs was in the 1%, Apple is the richest company in the world, do you think they are not greedy? But Apple is ok, just like multi-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg and Facebook are ok, Starbucks, Google…etc etc. Those companies are ok because they are not protesting the richest 1%, they are protesting against themselves – people under 30 – “Generation Duh”.

They are pissed off that their Grandparents had Woodstock and Hendrix. They are pissed off that their parents had Lollapalooza and U2. They are pissed off they they have Occupy Wall Street and Third Eye Blind.

If you are unable to create anything for yourself, then protest what others have created.

I think it about time someone changed their diaper and gave them a bottle.  It’s past their bedtime.

 

iChoice and iConsequenses

Let’s call a spade a spade shall we. In the debate over abortion, the so called “Pro Choice” side is not pro choice at all – it is Pro Abortion. That is misdirection at it best, even better the the booze industry’s “Please Drink Responsibly” Imagine a three word slogan to fight drunk driving where the first two words are Please Drink!

We all have choices in life, everyone of us that draws air is born with the right to choose. Clearly some choices have consequences. Speaking out against your government can have little consequences in the West but it could mean life in a labour camp in North Korea. Choice does not change, only the consequences.

What the pro abortionists want is legal and readily accessible abortions, simple as that. Abortions with no consequences. They are entitled to their opinion but understand that they want to deny the most basic of all human rights – the right to a lifetime.

Next time you pro abortionists are plugged into your ipod, typing on your mac, or playing with your iphone, just remember this – Steve Jobs was put up for adoption. Imagine your life today if in the mid 1950’s abortion was as available as it is today?

Remember, the nest aborted child could be the one who grows up to cure cancer.

 

Beware the Rise of the One-Eared Monster

A hideous new policy has unfortunately reared it’s ugly head and you should take this warning seriously.

First the background. I love art and am a member of a gallery. Part of my enjoyment involves listening to my ipod while viewing. I strive to compose the perfect soundtrack for each exhibit and to share them with fellow patrons.

Recently, to my shock, a security guard stopped me and asked if I could only use one ear for my listening pleasure? One ear? How disjointed is that? I was speechless.

His excuse was that in the event of an emergency I will then be able to hear the notifications! As if the sight of people on fire running out of the building will not be notice enough.

Laugh if you will but this is the CYA police at work. Somewhere someone tried to sue because they were wearing headphones and they were unable to hear some form of announcement. Now to cover your ass properly institutions are going to start to implement this policy. Beware.

Now, let me start working on that waiver!

 

Facebook Will Eat Itself

What happened to MySpace?  It seemed so popular, so well-used and widespread.

AOL, Alta Vista, Geocities, Nabster, ICQ, do I need to continue?

There is a vast heap of perfectly valid, fully functioning web products that have died a near instantaneous death, why?

As some would say, it was for the most part due to a superior product to replace it.  Ah, simple solutions satisfy simple minds. 🙂

Web users are like the offspring of a fashionista and a lemming, fickle and quick to follow the pack for fear of standing alone.

Whereas most of you may think the term “the bigger they are the harder they fall” was coined to describe David vs Goliath – not true.  It may have debuted back then but was clearly meant to be used to describe the eminent collapse of Facebook and Twitter.

The irony will be that Facebook will eat itself as once the “Next Big Thing” surfaces how do you think the fashionistas, lemmings and twitteratti will find out about it?

If only there was a way for users to communicate to all their friends and followers instantly to tell them to join them on the latest and greatest thing for fear of being left behind.  If only there were a herd mentality among web users perfectly at ease with discarding one outfit for a newer more trendy one.  If only…

 

My New York Minute

After my recent trip to Manhattan, here are a minutes worth of reflections.

Enough with the Levis!  Every store seems to have a fully stocked Levi department.  Forgetaboutit, don’t even think about investing time or money in this crap.  Go to APC or BinG (both in SoHo) to get jeans the way Levi used to make them 75 years ago, when quality mattered.

Someone (me) needs to design a sunshine tour.  One that takes into account time of day and season of the year to allow visitors to suck up what little sun that does hit the sidewalk.

Rebuild the twins. It has been over ten years, enough is enough.  Dust off the original blueprints and rebuild the World Trade Center as it was.  One exception would be to station a low ranking, trigger-happy  naval specialist on the top floor with a battery of Sidewinders. Just  in case any planes have the courage to get “lost” within his range.

 

Made in WhoCaresWhere, I Care!

Recently I looked at some leather jackets by the same manufacturer and noticed they had two models of the same style, one made in the USA and one in China.

Hang on, relax, this is not political.  I just want a leather jacket to aid in my efforts to look like, as Charlie Sheen says, a bitchin rock star from Mars.  (On an aside, when I lived in Honolulu in 2001 some Japanese tourists asked for my autograph thinking I was the one and only Charlie).

Back to leather.  The USA made one came with a “Made in USA” label, a designation of the union local that made it, and a price tag that was 25% higher.  Ah, but what about quality you say?

In this case the stitching was superior in the made in China one.  Not that the USA made garment was improper or flawed but simple things like loose threads were not removed and the excess thread on the reverse side of the buttons was not trimmed as evenly.  Am I picky you ask, no not at all, not unless I am spending $625.  Actually my picky gene kicks in around $100 truth be told.

Here is where I make some enemies.  That union worker is secure in their job and is looking forward to quitin time.  To keep the manager off their back they need to meet quota before the long weekend so they rush a few jackets though.  What’s the harm, it will be caught in the quality control phase right?  Besides, they can’t be fired for making a couple lousy jackets as they have seniority.

That same worker in China has a different motivation in that if they screw up their family goes hungry.  Now, who is more likely to make a better quality garment?

As far as buying in the USA to help keep that union workers job here, why not buy the jacket made in China and donate that extra 25% to help retrain the unemployed?

Oh yes, my friend who lives in China laughs as he tells me of seeing workers sewing in a label that says “Made in USA” right there in Shanghai.  Imagine that!

PS, go out and buy something made in Japan ASAP.  Samurai jeans is a good place to start 🙂

 

Seven Eighths Perfect

So I got 7 of my 8 Oscar predictions right, including the three I told you that you could mortgage your house on, what does that say?

Either I was legitimately wrong on one account or (more likely) I purposely threw one pick into the gutter to avoid perfection and the heavy expectations that come with it!

 

Martyrdom is Not Served at the Cafeteria

Have you ever noticed how modern day martyrs tend to pick and choose when they throw themselves on the sword and not?

For example, the eco-martyr.  He loves to laud his love and care of the environment over you at every opportunity.  That is until he becomes a parent and starts using disposable diapers.  Oh he will jump all over you for not using a “green” product to clean your sink, but the fact that his child’s poopy diapers will hang around for 500 years is conveniently lost on him.

What about the nutrition-martyr, the one who reads every ingredients label and gives you that “look” every time you pick up something to eat?  Have you ever seen this person belly up to the bar at Starbucks?  A simple coffee or tea is beneath them as they load up on the fat with a 45 syllable drink?

Lets not forget the moral martyr, the one who would rather die then buy some foreign made product in Walmart.  That is until it is time for him to order a bottle of wine or pint of beer.

Most of these martyrs are not so much invested in their cause as much as they seek a hammer to hit you with.  Something to help define themselves, a chance to impose a misguided superiority.

Not to worry, it can be quite fun to remind them when their image slips, only to hear them try to justify that they did not check that box when they ordered their martyrdom at the cafeteria!